MORE LOVING LOVING MORE by Janet Kira Lessin, Chief Focalizer, World Polymory Association
“In times of war, fathers bury their sons. In times of peace, sons bury their fathers.”
“The next Buddha will not take the form of an individual. The next Buddha may take the form of a community; a community practicing understanding and loving kindness, a community practicing mindful living. This may be the most important thing we can do for the survival of the Earth.”
— Thich Nhat Hanh
Synchronicity. The universe delivered these two quotes into my email inbox today and I believe they say, perhaps more eloquently than anything else ever written, the main problem for humanity; war, and its solution; community. Originally humans lived in tribes, face-to-face small groups where we knew everybody. We experienced our commonality and treasured that each is different from, similar to, and, at the core, just like us.
As the saying goes, “To know me is to love me”, and in tribe we could not help but know each other. If humans were to live more closely to one another in community, breathe together, look deeply into each others’ eyes, work, play, share right livelihood, support each others’ survival as if it were our own, we’d really get to know each other and consequently, love each other. The more we know and love others, the more love comes full circle and we know and love ourselves.
I continue to expand outside my box and embrace community. I realize I have a lot of cultural conditioning. I know it will take a lot of conscious effort for me to purge myself of my societal programming to get to the real me underneath. It’s been extremely difficult for me to know what I actually want vs. what I’ve been told to want, believe, do, and say. The bombardment of media propaganda promoting fear-based lack consciousness, greed, limitations, expectations, materialism, etc. is quite profound and has gone in deep on many levels. I’m surprised I’m awake at all. I sometimes feel as if I’ve emerged from a deep slumber. Sleepers still clog my eyes. I wipe, the fog clears and I smile as I look into the eyes of my dear community mates and friends. We hold hands out to one another and pull ourselves out of the quagmire when one of us stumbles and falls. We look at our emotions; examine what we react to in others, both positively and negatively and see these triggers, our “buttons” as blessings; keys to help us unlock the secret mystery of ourselves.
Our new full-time community mates, John and Marie have arrived. Life is grand, our community is evolving and it feels really good to me. Since their arrival, we’ve been very busy attending to business and daily life. We find we do work together well and despite a couple of bumps, I think we’re off to a good start with our communication. However, we haven’t taken the time to slow down and discover who we are to one another as sexual beings, despite the fact we’ve had two very sexy events at the house.
At today’s community meeting we discussed when and where to have our first sensual date. We also discussed who would participate. Currently we have four residential members of our poly family; Janet Kira, Sasha, John and Marie and one on-island, extended family mate, Yoda. Yoda recently met a new love, Delila, at one of the sexy events mentioned earlier. We opted to invite Delilai and Yoda.
We decided to journal before and after our experience and examine our thoughts and feelings. I immediately started having emotions. I liked the challenge of the project and decided to get to it immediately, find my creative self; write, while simultaneously going within and check with myself to see what would emerge.
I look at what motivates me and I find I am driven most frequently by fear and its variations. Fear manifests itself in emotions such as anxiety, depression, jealousy, insecurity and stress. I recognize that the four main emotions; mad, glad, sad and afraid operate within me simultaneously in almost every waking moment, but in varying degrees and intensity. They joggle for front position in my psyche.
My community mates, my family, help me gain perspective. They give me my necessary reality check. Each one of us operates in our own perceptions and sometimes our realities clash. We have daily meetings where we often clear issues. Sometimes I buy what they’re telling me and other times I judge what they say as “bullshit”. Life is interesting to say the least. Never a dull moment.
I noticed I feel the most discomfort around sexual issues that involve me. It’s great when I do sexual therapy for others. No problem. For me it’s one of those buttons; a blessing in disguise. Often, with great reluctance, I decide to take a look at my sexual triggers since I realize this is where I can experience my highest growth.
In our community we deal with a lot of sexual issues. Not only are there wants, needs and demands from our community members on each other, there are also “sexpectations” as I call them, from those who come to visit or attend our tantra school. Many times I hear from a new visitor, “You must have sex with me.” I respond, “How is that?” They reply, “Well you’re poly, aren’t you?” I answer, “Yes, I am polyamorous, meaning I love more than one in an intimate relationship. However, I’m not poly-promiscuous. I only have sex with those I chose. I appreciate that you find me attractive and desire to merge with me. Thankyou.”
Another issue I often encounter in the debates surrounding polyamory is the concept of what is “real” or “true” polyamory. Once again this is an area where one encounters many reality clashes with those of varying viewpoints. My version of true polyamory that is very real for me is called Mono-Poly which I practice with my husband, Sasha. This system honors both our Inner Monogamist and Inner Polyamorist. In our model of polyamory, Sasha and I only make love with others together, in the same room. We operate from total consensus when making decisions about those we open our relationship to. Two thumbs up. We are very close, pair-bonded and extremely intimate, much like monogamous couples. We are best friends, lovers and confidants, totally open with each other, authentic and without secrets.
With this model, Sash and I have the best of both worlds. We have the intimacy and depth of a one on one relationship as well as the diversity and excitement of many loves. We have our cake and eat it too. When we make love with others, we bring that turn-on back home to our lovemaking when we’re alone again.
As we continue the journey on our high-spiritual path of polyamory and tantra, delightfully, we discover our ability to share intimacy expands out to many. Not only do we have our community mates, those who live on our property, we also have our extended family, those on Maui or neighbor islands, with whom we share love and great intimacy. However, we find, regardless of whether or not we share sexually with those we love, our hearts are huge and we love all our community members very much.
I like to go slow. I like to honor what IS in the moment. I like to flow with the energy that is real and respond from a true yes that comes from deep within rather than a yes I impose upon myself and ultimately inflict on others by coming from my Pleaser.
Pleaser is a subpersonality that I developed when I was a child who was born out of necessity in response to a violent environment to prevent me from getting clobbered. I learned to look outside myself at those who were in my life because many were dangerous to me and threatened my survival. I needed to anticipate their needs and respond in ways they desired in order to remain safe. Sexual predators with their own agendas and those who were emotionally ill did not respect my consciousness and sought to overwhelm me and deny me my free will. Since they were bigger than me and could easily overpower me, there was little I could do except dissolve into myself or send pieces of my soul out to the universe.
Having a Pleaser is a common phenomenon. Many people have Pleasers. Pleasers operate from reaction rather than proaction. They come from fear, ingrained from issues of abuse, both personal and societal. They tend to give too much to the point that they drain themselves. They can’t take very often and after a while, begin to feel depleted, hopeless and often resentful which, if not checked and balanced, can come out as anger and rage.
I’m learning how to love. I’m learning how to not only give, which I do enjoy, but also to take, which is delightful as well. Because of my history, I like to take my time with new lovers, look at each moment, check inside of me and see if it feels right. I don’t have to have sex with someone just because they want me to. Even if we’ve had sex before, I don’t have to do it unless I feel like it in that moment. Operating from this perspective, I feel much more empowered. I now realize I’m not responsible for anyone’s erection or wet pussy. I am a biofeedback system responding to the energies around me with total authenticity and truth. If the intention of the person coming at me is from anything less than pure or from an overt sense of neediness, I don’t have to do anything with them. I can relax now. I can breathe. Phew.
For me, love grows gently, like a rosebud that slowly opens to the warm, soft rays of the sun, morning dew glistening on her petals. Forced, she dissolves. Caressed she blossoms.
Our love-in with the family will be interesting. I love regardless of what I do or don’t do and with whom. I know I’ll connect with Sasha, my foundation, my Rock of Gibralter and together we’ll test the waters, explore and find love. The journey is exciting, titillating and intense. I know It’s almost impossible to look deeply into eyes and not fall in love with the soul behind them. As souls, our natural state is loving oneness. While the journey to love often feels like it’s new, each episode is actually a return to love which is ancient. I intend to do a lot of eye-gazing.
When I was a child growing up in the 1950s and 60s, I lived in a community. While old men tried to shove their tongues down the throats of children, we simultaneously lived in a Beaver Cleaver world where we knew all our neighbors, every pet and child. Incredibly, despite our dysfunctions, we loved each other on some level. We felt our oneness, shared life together, cared for one another. As times changed and life became more about jobs and success during the yuppie years, we lost contact with one another as we dispersed across the globe. Many passed on.
None of them are to blame. We suffered from multi-generational dysfunction. They attempted to do what they did to us children because it was done to them. It’s time to eliminate the vicious cycle of abuse. First step, forgiveness. I forgive them, all of them. I forgive myself.
While my childhood community was not a community that practiced understanding and loving kindness, a community that was even aware of the concept of mindful living, we did have our moments. Since I’ve done my therapy and have cleared most of the issues from those times, I now look back on them and smile. I embrace those moments and feel grateful for the good ones as well as the trials and tribulations. I realize that had I not lived the life I had, exactly as I did, I would not be on the path I am on now. And I do love my life. With my husband, I not only run the School of Tantra where we teach people how to be healers, but have created a community with a huge focus on psychological healing for our members. Each time I counsel and facilitate healing for others, I heal yet another part of myself. Each time my community mates lovingly mirror back to me my own stuff, I clear it and heal some more. As I heal my own demons; my own internal, personal wars, I affect the outside and create peace and tranquility around me. As each person does the same for themselves, we move the entire world to peace.
My new community is one that is mindful of those who’ve gone before us and lovingly works, in their memory, to become more conscious every day. Humanity’s survival depends on it. The Buddah awaits. Her time will come.