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POLYAMORY NEWSLETTER  November 15, 2004. Vol.2

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Polyamory Newsletter November 15, 2004. Vol.2
Published by Janet Kira Lessin, P.T.S.. and Sasha (Alex) Lessin, Ph.D.
808 244-4103 email:

Contents of this Polyamory Newsletter


2. Q & A: POLYAMORY ADVICE - Janet and Dr. Sasha Reply to Your Questions







I live a tantric life. My manís my tantric devotee. He worships and adores me. We make love at least twice each day. Our deep connection, nurtured by tantra and the yoga of service (bhakti) Sasha practices, nourish my heart and expand my soul. So when I advertise tantra and 60 men but only two women inquire, I feel frustrated, frustrated because I know what most women miss when they avoid tantra.

Women get more from tantra than men. Tantra got popular on Earth when the tantric practices of the gods were promoted here for us humans by the goddess Inanna--not some man or even by a male god. Tantra and polyamory support women. Yet how can I explain that to you women when youíre so conditioned to fear sex? Tantra--making love, experiencing your lover surrender to his own sexual goddess--is precisely what you need. Tantra can create most what you want most--love, security and intimacy.

Unfortunately the public mind associates tantra with prostitution. Women donít respond to my tantra ads as enthusiastically as men because the word "tantra" brings to mind sex workersí pitch that tantraís a method of ejaculatory control. A sex worker may even rap about energy and chakras to promote sessions. She advertises in newspaper adult sections. She says sheíll train a man to control ejaculation but in the session gives him a hand job till he fails at control. I urge sex workers who use tantra in their sessions to stop using tantra as a prostitution buzzword. Instead, support couples and primary relationships more, rather than take money so men can lie, cheat and sneak behind their partners. Perhaps you could help them communicate and make love better. Truth frees us all.

Since I live a tantric life with a tantric partner, I know tantra, done right, fulfills women. Women need lots more love, attention and affection than theyííve been getting. A womanís life is tough, full of hard work; she gets little appreciation.

When a man becomes her devotee, his life runs smoother. He creates a circle, a bond of sacred love. He appreciates his woman and women in general. He learns how to access, in himself, her genius, innate wisdom, oneness with nature, people and the universe.

Men and women think differently. Our brains operate differently. Womenís brains naturally allow data flow over the corpus callosum between right and left cerebral hemispheres. Boys brainís are more segmented and slowly develop lateral, feminine thinking over time, unless the they learn feminine thinking in relationship with a woman or the feminine side of another man. Women also naturally connect more to the sensitive, emotional side of life than do men.

When a man connects in tantra with a woman, he weaves his own inner feminine into his life. He uses her multilinear emotional, intuitive model help him feel more, think more creatively. When a man taps into feminine through his goddess, he integrates his inner feminine thinking and sensitivity to feelings into his conscious choices (while she absorbs the lessons of his segmented, linear, focused thinking). Tantra involves consciously weaving their separate consciousnesses into pair consciousness broader than either could get to alone. They live in partnership, balanced within and equals on their team.

If a man is tantric devotee to his goddess, she gets more orgasmic and eager to make love. When she directs the action, she naturally wants to be closer. If he enters his womanís world and is sweet, loving, and sexually tantric, he gets the sex, love and intimacy he, too, craves. Their dance flows naturally; they find giving and receiving are the same, two sides of the same coin. They both give and receive more. And since they make love more, the dayís stress chemicals dissipate. She relaxes about work, kids. So women do get more from tantra. They get more from polyamory too.

Polyamory is mostly for women. We need more help raising kids. Before the 1950s homes often included aunts and grandparentsĖseveral generations of family to help with children. The nuclear family, and now the single parent family are recent, more stressful norms. A single parent or even two people are not enough to meet all kidsí needs.

Besides the money support children require, they need lots of stimulation. Stimulation really shouldnít be TV and video gamesĖthey cause Altzheimerís. Kids need many role models and teachers to stimulate them, help their minds become more expansive and grow. When children have many teachers who know them, love them and really care for them, they learn more. A variety of teachers help childrenís brains develop. When children feel comfortable and safe, they open more. They learn vital skills such as the ability to reason and problem solve. This more expansive world allows childrenís brains to expand, enhances memory and fosters greater intelligence. Children in tribes learn survival, fun, love, creativity and successful relationships from multiple teachers. They imprint many role models, not just one or two. With more role models they can better determine who they are and not just duplicate or reject their immediate parents, which is what happens so often in nuclear families.

Poly parents who share childrearing arenít saddled with the total responsibility for nurturing kids. Parents have more time for themselves to pursue their own interests; theyíre happier parents, which results in happier kids. Poly can provide the village it takes to raise a child. When the village helps, everyone benefits. The children are the future of our community and world. Theyíre yours whether you birthed them or not. They will take over this planet and theyíre all weíve got. We must all care for them to create better adults and a more loving world.

When I was young I lived in a neighborhood where everyone knew each other. We may not have been a tribe, but we were the next best thing as parents were able to help one another and relieve each other of duties and stress. The mothers could relax a bit not always having to focus on their children. This relief helped the moms keep a little more sanity than if they had been saddled with watching their children 24/7 with no relief.

Polyamory gives women more sexually, as well as giving them more in childrearing. Womenís bodies are perfectly suited for multiple lovers. When she cuts lose and is totally sexual, she can wear out many men and still be ready to go for hours. Poly women also have more support with multiple partners. Most men canít stay focused on a woman as long as she needs to get all her needs met. If youíre heterosexual and polyamorous, you have more men to share with, not only sexually, but emotionally. If youíre bisexual and polyamorous, you have both male and female partners to enjoy. Gay polyamorous women also benefit from more lovers.

Tantra and polyamory can benefit individuals and humanity. Though polyamory may not be for everyone, tantra certainly is. More and more people are also finding fulfillment in polyamory. More than one love, polyamory, is a valuable option for you. The United States was founded on the principal that everyone has the right for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Since polyamory makes many people very happy, itís certain an inalienable right and very constitutional.


Men outnumber women three to one registering for tantra and polyamory seminars, private tutoring and in inquiries. This imbalance is counterintuitive. Since women focus more on relationships--the essence of both tantra and polyamoryĖyouíd think more women would sign up for tantra and poly happenings and info. Yet women often perceive both tantra and polyamory as primarily sex-oriented and rapidly dismiss them.

Nan Wise ("The Attachment Flu: Lessons In Loving and Letting Go" ; Loving More #22) writes of her addiction to love in a secure, structured form of her design. She read Ken Wilberís, A Brief History of Everything and came up with the following: Wilbur discusses the differences between men and woman and how weíre influenced significantly by our biology. When a womanís skin is stroked, she releases oxytocin, the hormone of relationship and attachment. Itís natureís way of assuring that woman stay with our partners and nurture our young and feather our nests. Oxytocinís present in men in smaller quantities, just as women have the male hormone, testosterone. Oxytocin in a woman increases with the number of orgasms she has. This keeps her coming back to the partner who helps her release oxytocin, bonds her to him or her to receive more love and pleasure. In the animal world, the good male lover is rewarded by reproducing, which equates to his genes surviving.

Testosterone, says Nan, wires men to "fuck it or kill it." Oxytocin wires women to "take it home. Oxytocinís part of my hard wiring that once I attach it is very difficult to let go. It is why I pay attention to relationships. It is why I have held on tightly to my lover as I have, past the point that my reasoning mind thought was suitable. It is partly why I have tolerated unacceptable behaviors and suffered from the side effects associated with valuing relationship over self." This bond-creating oxytocin forces women to take sex seriously. It explains why women fear tantra and polyamory. They may become too vulnerable and involved with partners with whom they share sex and release oxytocin.

Individual women and men vary vastly in how much oxytocin and testosterone they release and in their reactions to these chemicals in their blood. Some women release less oxytocin, produce more testosterone, and are sexually free and able to have many casual lovers, like men. Some men may have more oxytocin than others, bond readily and react sensitively as women. In general though, men have more testosterone and lead with their lingams and need sex before they can feel connected, open their hearts and fall in love. Women have more oxytocin, lead with their hearts, need love before they open their yonis in enthusiastic sex. This explains why women avoid situations like tantra and poly events where they perceive sex to be too casual and without commitment.

Counseling hundreds of relationships, hubby Sasha and I noticed that many in long-term relationships complain of not enough or even no sex. They started passionate and hungry to share sex, but the woman was scared of sex or disinterested. What makes her shut down sexually?

At first, when she commits to a relationship, she creates a home. Her commitment and homemaking serves her and her partner or partners. Then two factors cause deterioration in the relationship: 1) the womenís tendency to mother gets in the way. Mothering energy is not very sexual. 2) Menís desire to sexually diversify surfaces if they resent the womenís tendency to mother. These factors start a cycle of resentment which, left unexpressed and unresolved, kills the relationship. The men or women think of cheating and eventually do, or the sexual interaction in the committed relationship lessens or dies.

In relationships, we take turns enacting parent and child. This bonding patternís a natural nurturing rhythm and can be sweet when the women are comforting the men as Loving Mother to Needy Kids or men, enacting Proud Father, praises Achieving Daughter.

Relationships sour when one partner doesnít express an underlying fear or vulnerability. This emotionally destabilizes the relationship. Or a destabilizing factor outside the relationship, like a man gets fired or a woman discovers she has cancer. If the vulnerability is conveyed kindly and is received in a good fashion, then the relationship stays in a positive bonding pattern. If, however, an upset partner doesnít kindly express his or her fears to their lovers, he or she gets grouchy, irritable or withdrawn and/or other partners react with their own fears and become confrontive, a fight may erupt in which each person reacts defensively in a way the other partners hate. They hate in each other for enacting the ways they fear being. The longer the relationship continues in this unresolved negative bonding pattern, the more resentments add up like some internal score card until the limit is reached and the lovemaking ends.

Another element which shuts down women sexually is competition with and distrust of other women. Women have been trained to distrust each other. Through magazines and the movies, girls learn to compare themselves to one another, evaluating themselves by impossible standards of youth, beauty and sexuality. In the ostensibly monogamous relations of most parents, woman have seen their mothers abandoned for others or sexually ignored by their fathers as Mom aged, no longer able to compete with younger models.

Chemicals, resentments, competition. How can we solve these problems that bedevil humans, eliminate competition between females, resolve conflict. How can we love intensely and intimately yet keep active sexual connections? To those questions, I look at our societal structure and archetypes.

The battle of the sexes began with the patriarchy. Resentment that eventually shuts down sexual-loving in relationships and distances women from their own sexuality echoes animosity from imbalance between men and women. Patriarchy no longer serves us as a society. One sex dominating the other creates the death of sex in relationships.

Recover sexual joy and freedom from dysfunction. See the pain patriarchy perpetrates. Return to the partnership society. A female lover and I reflected on this issue late one night. Weíd spent the evening loving together with our two men and theyíd fallen asleep. We were too excited and held each other as we reflected on the night. "Whereís the Mother?" Cleo asked; "Where are the images I long to see of Mother God?" "Yes, youíre right. Where is Goddess? Look at language itself. How can humanity understand yin when it's very language for yin includes yang in every word. Hu-MAN-ity, S-HE, Wo-MAN. The only word for an omnipotent benevolent female being is GOD-ess (little God)!! Where are the words that are total feminine without the masculine? Even the word feminine is a derivative of fe-MALE!" "I know what you mean. I run all these fantasies, of really going deep with you, of falling totally in love with complete abandon and being as involved with you as much as my boyfriend. My heart yearns for that level of intimacy with the feminine."

"Same here. Perhaps itís something unresolved within myself. I long to bond with mother for in my real life my mother and I never bonded. I want to connect with sister, for in my real life my sister and I always fought. I want to love myself for in my real life I have never loved myself and thus I have created all these illnesses. Iíve been ill-at-ease."

"Itís so interesting watching your face. It changes, ever evolving, like the many faces of God/Goddess throughout. Iím learning so much about the nature of love and about myself. For in loving woman outside of myself, I love myself through my perfect mirror." "Yes!! And where are those symbols for us, as women and for all of humanity so that we can achieve the balance and actualize that the yin and yang are equal, both internally and externally?"

We paused to soak it all in. The wonder, the magic of the evening and the revelations we now shared. I broke the silence, "I think it is only by the dance of the feminine that women may find it again. I feel we must dance with our female mirrors, like we did as young children in order to realize the true beauty and value of ourselves."

Yes, but how do we do this? Most womenís lives are so consumed by the masculine. Our priority is the male and being with "him", whomever he may be at that time and moment. And not everyone is bisexual like us. How can we come back to balance? How can we return to the partnership society?

We must feel the energies equally, the yin and yang, both externally and internally, appreciating and recognizing that BOTH are equally important for total balance, both personally and universally. Maybe it's not that the feminine doesn't have its own separate language, but maybe the male is found within the feMALE; or woMAN. He's found within us. That's the tenderness. Maybe it's not that we're not separate without him, with our own language or words, but he's found - truly found - within us. Yet, the very construction of the language itself does not allow for HIM to incorporate the female within himself, so thus the imbalance that we so readily feel. Few men are conscious enough to discover that themselves.

Since woman bears man, nurtures man from her internal mother, she can FEEL man and incorporate man into herself. To succeed in a man's world she must venture into that world from her male. Thereís the constant need to walk in his world. So women are far more aware of male and female energies within themselves. There are few opportunities for the reversal and the dysfunction continues.

Thatís why in tantra sessions we separate energies first. One time one partner receives, another time, itís another partnerís turn to receive. We learn to feel those energies unique and different from one another. Then when both partners (or in poly relations, all partners) give and receive at the same time in connects like 69, we recognize masculine and feminine energies as distinct internally and externally. We can turn intensity up and down while we love as we experientially exchange bodies. He is she and she is he and we are they and they are we. All are equals.

We need to value of the underdeveloped and disowned parts of us and to integrate our feminine and masculine aspects to feel full and balanced. Since women live in this manís world, we more easily integrate our inner masculine. How can we help our brothers feel the separate yin and yang energies within themselves and employ both for balance and centering? Once men see the value of both their inner feminine and their inner masculine, they appreciate the feminine outside of themselves.

Our religious (Mono-theism) and relationship structures (Mono-gamy), orient us to look for "the one" to guide us and fulfill our needs. Thus we infantilize ourselves. Society, culture and religions perpetuate the myth that something outside us will solve our problems, weíll go to heaven in the second coming, the mother ship will beam us up when the Earth changes happen. Weíre dysfunctional children suffering from unresolved abandonment issues waiting for Dad and Mom to return, solve all of our problems and rescue us from our sorry selves. When mates turn out less than our ideal parent-substitute. we curse and resent them. We feel further abandoned on both archetypal and on personal levels as long as we function in the patriarchy where men and women are unequal.

No one can ever live up to our expectations nor we to them. No one will save us or rescue us. As we continue in our roles we have defined for ourselves, we can only continue the pattern of guilt and despair. Men feel guilty for not meeting the standards of being a man and resent women for making them feel guilty. Women canít meet and maintain the impossible standards of being a "woman" and are no longer caring and tossing men aside.

The distance between the sexes expands as the battle of the sexes continues. Men become more confused in their roles. Their roles keep changing as old paradigms fade. The most common family structure in America is the single parent family. Teenagers no longer see marriage as their future until theyíre in their thirties. The internet translates sexuality into fantasy, perversion and exploitation.


Ever since I met Sasha, my life has been tantric: full, complete, blissful, orgasmic. We connect on all chakra levels. We share a spiritual connection (crown chakra), meet one another intellectually and share a common vision (third-eye), exercise strong communication skills where we are open and honest with one another (throat), give and get love (heart), empower one another to do our best in life (belly), have an incredible sexual connection (genital) and live, work together and share a home and resources (base chakra).

Am I saying that we have no problems? That every day is easy, pleasant and simple? No, not at all. There may be upsets and disagreements, we may not always be happy. In fact, we sometimes get into arguments and I even yell! So how can I say that we live a tantric life?

What I mean by an tantric life is that we have at last found an inner peace. From this peace, we can experience all life. Sasha and I are devoted and committed to one another and to the process of relationship. From within that process, we experience the full range of emotions, the entire spectrum.

Weíre family to one another; more than husband and wife; weíre a combination of husband, wife, mother, father, friend, lover, sister and brother. We have both married and adopted one another. We are committed to be there throughout life, heal each other; overcome wounds from our childhood and adult relations. And believe me, some of those wounds are deep.

We hold the space in the center for our beloved to return when one becomes destabilized and experiences that temporary insanity that takes place when they are out of balance. If we both become destabilized at the same time, we ride the wave and remember the love, use all our tools that we have learned, and hold fast until the storm has passed.

When we canít "figure it out," we "finger it out" and make love (digital and otherwise) even when one or both of us may not "feel" like it. For the body remembers the love on a cellular level. When we put aside our stubborn egos and just hold one another for dear life, then the defenses and anger melt away; and once again weíre in love. Bottom line, our loveís what really matters.

We recognize that we are "home," that our souls have found one another after all these centuries. We stop and count our blessings; and from this space of appreciation, everything becomes a blessing.

Chores become a blessing. "I thank God/Goddess that I have a toilet to scrub. I thank you Universe that I have dishes to clean, for that means I have food to eat and beloved ones to feed".

In a tantric life, everything around you is a divine prayer. I love the birds, the sky, the water, the air, the plants, the ocean, my friends, my cats, my car. God is within everything, every molecule, every being, every thing.

This perspective lets you honor all the craftsmanship in the car that you drive. Look at the buildings and imagine how many things made by how many people from how many parts of this globe went into the construction of that one building. Then look around at your town.

Think of those who created the technology for the simple things around you; your toothbrush: the glass in your windows, the carpet beneath your feet. Youíll have a new-found appreciation for the knowledge and love that went into all the inventions, the progression of discoveries that led to each creation and the history of the civilization all around you.

My life is orgasmic; and as such, my beloved husband, my devoteeís dedicated to my happiness and well-being; and I to him. We connect intimately twice a day. In the morning Sasha and I may connect briefly, aligning chakras, looking into one anotherís eyes, exchanging breath, speaking loving words and sharing our innermost secret thoughts. Sasha may or may not be inserted in me. He does not ejaculate so he can conserve his energy during the day.

In the evening we connect fully, making sweet, passionate love. We fall asleep in one anotherís arms, full and complete.

As my beloved healer and devotee, Sasha Ďhonorsí me whenever I request, massaging my sacred sector as I cry out in orgasmic bliss. As I channel the divine Shakti energy, he rides my orgasmic waves. The veil of separation between us disappears. He feels what I feel. We become the cosmic ONE. We move the energy in our sacred circle: from my shrine, up the center of my body, through all my chakras, out my crown and down, into his base, through all his chakras out through his hands, out through his mouth, and once again back through me. We become a conduit of our combined kundalini energies: a complete circuit--man, woman and God.

I go higher with each wave, thinking each level is "the top," only to find I have not yet begun to crescent. My orgasms blend one into another. I enter a dimension of timelessness. Images of yesteryear dance before my eyes. Iím 20; Iím 5; Iím 35; Iím in uterus.

As the sensations increase, I move from my personal self to my historical self; as I remember lifetimes here on the Earth, in other dimensions and on far away planets. I lose my self-sense entirely; and become one with Mother Gaia and God/Goddess, the Universe. I move between masculine and feminine. I relive the stories of the ages and become the archetypes: Aphrodite, Athena, Zeus, Thor.

I peak; my amrita flows. Sasha smiles and chants, "Blessings, blessings," programming me with the positive affirmations I need to hear at this time. But wait, there is yet another level. I go higher. I recall the challenge once whispered in my ear, "How much pleasure can you take?" Part of me wants to stop; the other part wants to continue to push that threshold.

My whole body begins to pulsate. Iím in a full-body orgasm. Kreas (waves of electric pulses) rush up and down my spine in waves; my body snakes and pulsates with the rhythm. The chemicals rush to the extremities of my body: my toes, my fingers, my head. I moan, long, slow, Ooooooooohhhhh.

My life is full. Complete. From this orgasmic state, I can go out and face the day. The stresses of life melt away in the arms of my beloved. I can handle it; I can go on.

Wounds of a lifetime of pain and abuse are being replaced with healing programs due to the patience and love of my husband. At last, in Sasha, Iíve found a partner who meets me on all chakra levels.

In previous relationships, we may have connected on one or two chakras. We may have loved each other (heart chakra) and lived together (base chakra); but we lacked a shared vision (third-eye chakra) and our communication could have used some improvement (throat chakra). In my last marriage, we did the material side of life together quite well (base chakra): buying a home, acquiring things, Yet we lacked a spiritual connection (crown chakra); and eventually everything else broke down.

The most common area that breaks down for most of us in long-term relationships is the sexuality. We build up internal resentments over time from our unresolved disagreements. Previous issues from programming we received from parents, culture, and relationships before we found one another sneak up on us and shut us down. We move apart; eventually we fall apart.

Many times we reach "the brick wall"; and communication breaks down completely. Our responses are now totally reactionary and continue to disintegrate. As the tide of resentments continue to swell, our thoughts move to other people and outside experiences. We try to recover that feeling of excitement, joy and bliss that once were there in the relationship long ago when our romance was new. Many times the thoughts become deeds, and then the sneaking, secrecy and lies begin.

Weíre all psychic and feel what the other tries to conceal. Even though we donít speak the lies, the betrayed party knows. The gap widens; the barrier to intimacy becomes complete. Lovemaking goes from infrequently to never. Sometimes the underlying guilt manifests itself in impotence and other forms of sexual dysfunction. When weíve reached the end, our only hope is honesty.

Unfortunately, most of us do not have the tools to communicate deeply and honestly. The fears of what we donít want to create tend to backfire on us and create just that; and life becomes our worst nightmare. The truth comes out in hideous fashion. Or worst yet, lies continues and weíre subject to serving out sentences we imposed on one another.

How long will your sentence last? How much can you endure?

All-Chakra living means communicating on all levels: mind, body and soul. Sasha and I can literally tell one another anything that we are thinking. If we have an attraction for another, we express it. Issues unexpressed have a way of becoming demonic and coming out in inappropriate ways.

If we have a desire, we work on ways to satisfy them; although perhaps not in the exact way as envisioned by the person, we move in the direction that feels comfortable for both of us. Decisions are unanimous and joint. If something doesnít work for one of us, it doesnít work for either of us. There are three entities in all our decision making: Janet, Sasha and the relationship, which we value and cherish above anything else.

For if WE arenít working, nothing else in life seems to work. Everything else suffers: our joy, our jobs, our health, our life.

Yes, even our life. When life isnít lived authentically from truth and honesty, the stress from the emotional repression many times creates being ill-at-ease (dis-ease). Repressed resentments and anger often lead to cancer; heart-ache can lead to heart-attacks.

Many counselors try to keep couples together at all costs. Yet actually, sometimes the kindest decision is to part--even if there are children, economic considerations and a million other excuses to stay together.

Everyone deserves a full-chakra life. If you find your relationship lacking in one of these areas, do something about it. Become conscious and discover ways to expand your connection; find things in common and develop them in those areas for one another. There are many models for conflict resolution. Get outside help if necessary. Find something that works for you. Go to seminars, therapy, church counselors, whatever it takes. If the love is strong, do it--for the love is worth it.

Finally, if you have discovered that you have completed your developmental tasks together and there are no new goals that you share--that youíve reached a point where the lies are too big to overcome--where you find the resentments too deep to heal and the hurts outweigh the amount of love that you have, then set each other free. That may be the highest expression of love.

Allow yourselves a fresh start, love again, correct the wrongs youíve done and stop punishing yourselves. You deserve a full life, an all-chakra life. You have the ability create it!

Itís never too late even though you may think it is. When Sasha and I found each other it was after two long-term, failed marriages for each of us. I was well over 40 and he over 50 when we united and embarked on our life of bliss. It wasnít easy for either of us. Our journey was a long road of working on ourselves, doing our family-of-origin work, healing our internal wounds from previous relationships and becoming conscious through therapy, seminars, reading and self-education. And it ainít over yet!

Relationships are a process; and Sasha and I are conscious enough to recognize that and commit to it. We are devoted to one another and have pledged to be there to continue our healing. If things get to be "over our heads," we, the "professional relationship counselors," will swallow our pride and seek help outside ourselves to gain clarity. All of us are capable of not being able to see the forest for the trees. Itís difficult when weíre "in" it; so sometimes we need help to step outside ourselves to focus.

We now have new models of relating with open, honest, clear and authentic communication. Living an orgasmic life is not only possible for all; itís our birthright. Therapy and counseling are todayís tools for healing relationships and personal wounds--just like medicine has been used to heal diseases and physical wounds.

Tantra reunites our souls in ancient ways, combining sexuality and spirituality. We return now to our source, forging beyond the veil of forgetfulness, moving past our skin encapsulated bodies, completing our divine union, remembering the LOVE which is all there really is.

2. Q & A: POLYAMORY ADVICE - Janet and Dr. Sasha Reply to Your Questions

The questions in this section are:

Consider All Your Relationship Choices

Why Choose Polyamory

Guilt over Loving More Can Improve Your Relating

He Wants More Sex Than She

Can She Create Alchemy If She Lacks Chemistry with Him

Her Husband Loved Another Woman

Wife Attracted to Another Man

Fears Mate Will Prefer New Lover

He Threatens Exit When She Loves Another

Fears Rejection for Poly Orientation

Starting Triad

He Has Two Loves But Prefers One

Wife's Encouragement Heals Husband's Lovers

Living with Wife's New Lover

Two Women, One Man

Sheís OK in Menage But Stricken Next Day

CONSIDER ALL YOUR RELATIONSHIP CHOICES (Reprinted from Loving More Magazine #24:18)

People assume that polys automatically proselytize for multi-lover living. We, and most polys we know, don't push our preferences for ourselves on other people. What we do advocate is recognition of relationship alternatives. Choice.

Q. We surmise you feel multiple-partnering is the ultimate goal.

A. Not necessarily. It certainly doesn't work for all. What we advocate is choice.

Most people don't realize they have a choice when they are raised in a world where monogamy is the only acceptable option.

Additionally, a bonded couple would have a better chance to be successful at non-monogamy if you're sure of your connection with each other. I wouldn't recommend polyamory for any couple unless both mates get a strong "yes" from deep within themselves and that they're full, complete and overflowing with one another first. And that may never happen for some, which is perfect for them.

I apologize if you got from our site that we think polyamory is the way. It's just a way, a way right only for those who feel it is right for them. And even then, given human nature, what's right for you vacillates among monogamy, polyamory, swinging or celibacy. When it was appropriate for me (Janet), I was celibate. At other times (most of my life), I was monogamous. Now, later in my life, I'm polyamorous. I love several people. Yet my daily lifeís mostly monogamous. I'm married ("gamous") to Sasha and lovers (amorous) with several others.

Q. Carol and I aren't ready for polyamory. We've both had affairs before we married, 15 years ago. Since then, we've been monogamous. We deeply love each other and sex keeps improving, though slowly as we have three young homeschooled kids.

A. We think that's wonderful and exactly where you need to be focusing now, focusing on one another and those three precious children who you have created. For many, the best time to explore non-monogamy is over 30 and after the children are grown.

As the song goes, "For everything, turn, turn, turn. There is a season, turn, turn, turn." Honor who and what you are at the time, always. Our tantra classes emphasize relationships and the pair- bond. So if you were to come to a seminar, that would be your experience.

Bottom line, most of our society is pair-bonded, be they monogamous, polyamorous, bi- sexual or gay, so our initial tantra seminars through the first few levels are focused on the dyad and discovering tantra through the intimacy that is created by the depth that one can achieve through divine meditation with your mate, the perfect mirror that is before you.

Even in the advanced levels where one may want to study the way of the daka and dakini (holy sexual healer) and learn how to be a tantra teacher and seminar presenter, our seminars honor your existing relationship. If your personal agreement is monogamous, we make sure that your agreements are openly and honestly discussed. Most couples choose to stay together while they work with a single or another couple. And that's how Sasha and I work. We only do individual sexual healings together, as a pair. And I love it and it feels right to me.

We feel bad that somehow we have scared you away from us and that you may think that we'd would require you to be polyamorous with us if you were to work with us, or that you think we would be climbing up on some pulpit and saying, "this is the way!" We thank you because this dialogue has helped us gain clarity. We want to support and facilitate all in their paths; your letter has shown where we can improve. We value your input and will explain all the sides of life and possibilities of relationship without making any one type seem to be better than another for all choices are valid.


Q: Why would a couple who have been happily monogomous for many years open up to loving others?

A: There are many reasons couples and singles choose polyamory. My experience was that the universe suddenly presented the option in the form of a dear friend who wanted to make love with Alan. I already loved this person very much, so it was simple and exciting to say, "Yes! Let's go get him." Alan was totally surprised and delighted, and that experience produced so much energy in our relationship and for us individually that the next time an opportunity came in the form of a couple we knew and loved that it was easy to continue from there.

Our second chakra (our sexuality center) is directly related to our sixth chakra (our creativity center). So when we allow the natural unfolding of our sexuality, we also free up our creativity. We both found ourselves overflowing with creative energy!

Many of us have for years cleared our emotions around our childhood wounds. We stilled our minds and minded our bodies through meditation, exercise, diet and positive affirmations. Yet we may have neglected repressed memories and contractions in our sexuality and creativity that can be liberated when you allow yourself to connect with a new lover.

When I chose polyamory--the More Loving Path--and dropped my attachment to monogamy, I lept light years ahead of where I was in my creativity, joy and spiritual growth.

I might add that the beloveds Alan and I interact with are conscious, loving, caring people with lots of integrity. In loving with them, I experience an expansion of my own ability for intimacy, excitement, fun, kindness, passion and love.

The most important reason to choose polyamory is that you want it. Something inside of you says "yes!" When that happens, you are saying yes to your aliveness, to your soul growth and to a positive path with a heart.


Q: My husband likes to make love more than I do. I love making love with him. I have an easy flowing time and I find him sexy and juicy. I feel so satisfied afterward that it takes me a few days to feel sexy again. Heís ready the next day. I donít know what to do. Iíve tried just having sex with him even if I donít feel like it, but it really is not satisfying for either of us. I donít wany him to feel frustrated. I donít know what to do.

A: First, we recommend our book, How to Really Love a Woman. We show how you can both find satisfaction being intimate with one another without necessarily connecting genitally. You focus on the divine in each other. This adoration flows into sexuality. You develop a different kind of relationship to this most intimate, shared energy.

Talk to each other about what being sexual means to each of you. What does your husband want from the lovemaking? Does he want to feel close to you? Does he want an orgasm or some nurturing? Whereís the energy coming from that urges him on toward intercourse?

This is an issue for a lot of people when one partner wants sex more than the other. Your love and desire for your partner, and your desire to be true to your own needs can be communicated honestly and lovingly. There is a rhythm within each of you, and a rhythm within your relationship. Spend time together breathing, eye gazing, massaging, bathing and doing other nurturing things we suggest. As you do, your energies will align and the passion between you will align as well.


Q. I'm attracted to a guy. I like his personality and the way he thinks, his values, his sense of humor. But I'm not sexually turned on to him? Will this change?

A. On the one hand, you might create passion. If you enjoy this man and feel uplifted with him, give him time and energy. Commit with him to explore a relationship. Focus on what has heart and meaning between you and interact with care and consciousness. Show each other how you like to be loved--sexually, emotionally and spiritually. Go together to a relationship workshop and learn to listen actively, speak lovingly and support each other emotionally.

Attend a tantra workshop. At ours or the workshops of Charles and Caroline Muir, youíll learn how to teach partners to pleasure you and how to pleasure them. When you feel love and trust, you connect on all chakras (energy centers--brow (intuition), perineum (security), belly (power), heart (love), throat (communication) and crown (spiritual). Book a private session with a daka or dakini--a practitioner of the ancient and modern arts of love.

You still might not, even with all this focused consciousness, turn-on sexually with your friend. Nonetheless, you'll learn much about yourselves and still have much to share.


Q. My husband came back from a business meeting and told me he had sex with a woman there. He said he felt good about the experience, but bad because he did it without telling me first. He said it was healing for him and felt even more love for me afterward. I deeply love my husband. I don't want to leave him and I don't want to punish him forevermore, but I feel betrayed and hurt. What should I do?

A. It is better to communicate beforehand with your partner rather than after the fact when you're thinking of sharing intimacy. We would ask, what were your agreements with your husband around attractions to other people? So much pain can be avoided with clear agreements. If you had an agreement that you would only be intimate sexually with each other, this would certainly feel like a betrayal.

Itís natural to be attracted to other people. We are by nature polyamorous. What we choose to do with those feelings needs to be fully discussed. It is in the making and keeping of agreements that trust is either engendered or undermined. Make your agreements after taking the time to fully discuss how you honestly feel, and what you ultimately want for yourself and your relationship.

Some couples choose to only make love with one another. Some choose to talk in advance of making love with another, to "check it out" or get permission.

Some couples feel comfortable with their lovers being free to love others any time, as long as it's done consciously, conscientiously and with integrity for all concerned. Honor whatever agreements you make. If later either of you come to realize you need to alter your previous agreements, sit down and communicate that.

So if your husband did break an agreement with you, he owes you an apology. The fact that he did tell you is a sign of truthfulness in the relationship, which is good. Truth is the bedrock of relationship.

This experience happened for a purpose. You can use it to bring you closer together, or use it to push each other away. Ask your husband to say what he learned from the experience. What wound in his psyche was healed? Talk to the woman he was with. Find out what her experience was. Perhaps this was for her also a healing experience. If she sent him back to you better than he was before, you could even thank her! The more that is known, the less there is to fantasize about, and the more understanding there can be. This can be an opportunity for both of you to communicate more in depth about your feelings and your needs. It could bring you even closer together.


You can use this kind of experience to become angry, bitter and unhappy, or you can use it for growth.

Ask yourself if your jealousy involves an inner voice that compares you with the other woman. Do you belittle yourself when you measure your worth against hers? Do you think sheís prettier, smarter, richer, nicer or younger than you? Do you feel anxious when you consider her how sheís better?

If youíre putting yourself down in a jealous comparison, meditate or go to a counselor whoíll help you accept yourself as you are and take steps to improve in the areas fueling your jealousy. Rid yourself of put-down comparisons and you lessen jealousy. Your discomfort with yourself was activated, but not caused, by your husbandís girlfriend.

Tune into every aspect of yourself that has a reaction to your husbandís behavior. Take them all into consideration and you can respond from choice, rather than respond only from the one voice that reacts first.

Listen to the voices in your head that disparge you and also any inner voices that object to your husband enjoying sex and healing with another woman. Focus on these inner voices, one at a time. Ask each of them what brought them strongly into your life. Let each voice tell you how it protected and served you when it first came out and ever since. Each such voice is one of your subpersonalities, here to contribute to your overall ecology if you but find out what they need and how to meet their needs without blocking the needs of your other subselves. Hear also the parts of you that rejoice in your husbandís experience; find out what they have to contribute to your inner ecology.

Tell each voice concerned with your relationships what you appreciate about it. Ask it what it wants for you in your relationship with your husband. What does it ask of you when you relate to him in view of the fact that he made love with another. Tell each of your inner voices that youíll balance its concerns with the needs of other inner voices that also need expression. Let each one of your energy centers, chakras, had voices, what would they like to say about you, your husband, his lover and the way you three relate. Your security, sexuality, power, love, communication, understanding and spiritual consciousnesses all have their unique concerns and contribute to your centering yourself as your relationship drama unfolds.

When youíve listened to all of the voices, to all your subselves concerned with your reaction to your husbandís loving the other woman, you can better make discriminating responses to the actual situation in your relationship.


Then youíre ready to turn your jealousy into empathy. Put yourself in your husbandís place. Experience his joy as he physically joins his other lover. When you identify with his joy as he joins her, you practice a type of empathy called compersion. You disidentify with your jealous subselves--your inner Frightened Child who fears abandonment and your inner Controller who wants to dictate to your husbandĖand comperse.

You can also experientially identify with the woman as she receives your husbands amorous attention. Become her as she experiences your husbandís embraces and devotions. Your consciousness, compassion and empathy are growing from this experience.


Q. My wife's romantically attracted to another man, but says loves me very much and has no intention of leaving me. Is it possible for her to love us both? What should I do?

A. You (and most of us) were trained to see her attraction from a monogamous perspective. This monogamous paradigm insists she feel sexual attraction and love for you and for no other. If she follows the monogamy plan, she'll deny her attraction to the other man, or, at a minimum, avoid overt affection toward him.

If she buries her attraction, she'll also, at the same time, bury her joy, enthusiasm and some of her warmth toward you. Perhaps she'll resent you for making her deny her love. Or, following the national trend (most American adults have affairs or end their marriages in less than 5 years), she might leave you and lose the love she shares with you. Either way, if you and she follow the monogamous path, you risk losing or diminishing your love for each other.

The More Loving Paradigm, on the other hand, suggests love in her core is without limits: she can embrace you and others too. In the More Loving view, when your partner feels attracted to another man, she interacts with him to learn from their interaction. Perhaps she'll discover they have work to do together. Maybe she'll even find she has a karmic connection, something she can complete with him.

The More Loving perspective regards all love as good. When you or your wife feel love for others or they feel love for either or both of you, that, from this perspective, is a divine gift. Acknowledge the gift of love. Move beyond the jealousy, beyond shaming your wife. Support her exploring, enjoy and learn from her attraction.

You can move through uncomfortable feelings of jealousy to an inner place of unconditional love, where you welcome your wife loving another with empathy (compersion), the opposite of jealousy. When you operate from compersion, you experience happiness when you see your wife loving others. You move toward love and expansion rather than contract in fear, anger and jealousy. Your heart opens and fills with ever more love.

Regard your wife's attraction to the other man as a gift to you. She's gifting you with the opportunity to expand your ideas of the range of acceptable behavior.

She's stimulating you to examine your relationship with her to see if you can love her better. She's giving you the chance to open to the possibilities you, too, might enjoy exploring other attractions while treasuring your relationship with her more than ever.


The following is Sashaís public coming-out article on his public comingĖout as polyamorous back in the 1980s. The article stirred up quite a controversy on Maui, where he published it in Mauiana Magazine. He and his second wife, Joan, had for a decade posed as paragons of monogamous couplehood. Publication of this essay led to months of upset letters to the editor.

Use upsets--even your mate loving another--to know and love yourself more, overcome jealousy and refine your relation. I did.

When my wife, Joan, asked if I'd be OK if she made it with a guest, River, I acted mellow, even went to a hotel to so I wouldnít distract them and they could enjoy our house in privacy.

But in the hotel, I brooded, compared how she adored River with how she criticized me. I felt hurt, angry, left-out, jealous.

Then, after awhile, I remembered and used one of Ken Keyes' cures for jealousy.* Keyes says to see jealousy as a combination of domination demands (e.g., "I want Joan to think only of me,") and fear ("I'm scared she'll dump me."). Fear comes from your security center, or root chakra. Anger and domination demands erupt from your gut, your power center. Running on only fear and anger makes you feel separate, unable to lovingly empathize. You can empathize again if you feel-out the same situation from your heart chakra. [Handbook to Higher Consciousness, pages 44-82.]

Following Ken's advice, I felt Joan's affair from my heart. In my heart I knew Joan and River's delight with each other. I remembered they also loved me; and I loved them again. Though I loved Joan again, I still rankled from the years I'd suffered her caustic criticism. When, next day, I came home, I told her how her criticism hurt me.

She shared the reason, hidden for ten years, she'd been so critical. "I hated hearing you tell the day's gruesome news on our morning runs." My tales of oil spills and animal suffering first made her sad, then, as I persisted, mad.

So she'd retaliated and found fault with me despite my complying with all her critical suggestions. Sheíd held-in her real gripe: my news. She'd kept displacing her anger into petty criticism.

After we talked this through, I stopped reporting news and she stopped criticizing. Then we revealed our feelings more and consequently resolved our issues better.

So if your sweetheart seeks another, don't despair. Rise above fear and control; let love lead you. Open your heart, tell the truth and you'll continue to grow.


Q: I switched from a one-woman-at-a-time model of relating to loving several. I used to think I had to settle for what one gave; now have lots more love. But I feel guilty. I'm not kidding!

I want to get rid of the guilt. Any suggestions?

A: Weíre delighted you realize you can have more love. Different lovers give you different energies. You might romance one woman, play and sport with another, philosophize and share emotions with a third. You stop expecting any one of them to meet all your relating needs.

Donít, however, "get rid of" your guilt. Instead, use it to improve your inner ecology. Use guilt to show you your behavior options. There are two types of guilt, neurotic and existential. Embrace existential guilt; release and reprogram neurotic guilt.

Treat the part of you that feels guilty, your Inner Critic, with respect. Your Inner Critic wants you to avoid behaviors that get you hurt and hurt others. When you use guilt, the Critic's energy form, to improve your actions, you convert existential guilt into better relating. When you use existential guilt, you donít whine. You take steps to make amends with those you hurt. If those youíve hurt arenít available, you discharge existential guilt when you make amends with the next person to whom you relate.

Ask your Inner Critic what you feel guilty about now. Do you hurt any of your lovers by what you do or hide? Ask your Critic when, in your development, it assumed power within you.

Your Critic probably built upon what parents, church or someone in your past said that shamed you or made you feel bad about your desires, actions or feelings. Reflect on this type of guilt, neurotic guilt. See its relevence in the context your Inner Critic developed it. Note where this neurotic guilt no longer fits the lifestyle into which you're moving. Neurotic guilt immobilizes you so you fail to fix what you can. You waste energy beating yourself up instead of sharing love. Drop Neurotic from your Critic's repertoire. But donít drop your Inner Critic. Use it as your loving conscience.

Talk to your Critic from your Center (Aware Ego) space. Let the Critic know that when you exercise integrity with your partners, friends and intimates, you can share love as you choose. The more love you give and get, the more juicy and happy youíll be.


Q. My boyfriend, Jamie, is due to leave Ohio and join my husband Rex and Greta, our female beloved, in our home this month. In the meantime, I connected with a new lover, Brad. When I told Jamie about Brad, Jamie said he now felt less special and may not come.

I waver. I waver between disappointment and acceptance of Jamieís process. If he doesnít meet my standards and resolve his separating defenses, I donít want him in my home.

A. Right on, Chris. Demand the best. Have Jamie share his vulnerabities. fears, insecurities, hurts that fuel his withdrawal threats. Tell him to honor his tendency to withdraw, reflect, then return with more balanced perspectives. Demand he grow up and work through his jealousy if he wants to share the cornucopia you seem to be creating.

We need to demand the best from those close to us, and we need to allow thoses around us to make choices that are right for them. In the case of Jamie, I suspect he feels threatened and vulnerable and in his protective self is pulling away from you.

Leaving the known and moving into the unknown is a stretch for most people. In this case, Jamie is moving in not only with you, but with your two beloveds, whom I'm assuming he knows and also feels loving toward, or at least comfortable with. Adding one more energetic to that equation prrobably is stretching Jamie a bit more than he currently can stretch.

Give Jamie time to adjust. Talk to him about what this new person, Brad, means in your life. Will relating with this person mean less time for Jamie? And what will Jamie's relationship to Brad be? Does he know Brad now?

Donít react: let Jamie share his feelings, his concerns. Stay in your power and authenticity and tell Jamie what energies Brad has brought you, what you are learning and how you are growing with Brad. Understand that Jamie has to now go into his own center, check in to how this feels to him, and go with his own internal guidance.

Tell Jamie what you'd like to see happen, and then let go. Give Jamie some space to process this new information and his feelings. Then speak with him again. With time and communication, he may shift. And he will be more likely to still want to join you if he feels he has been heard and understood.


Q. I would like to be polyamorous, but Iím afraid my husband will like someone better than me. I really know he loves me, but Iím afraid to take the chance of losing that love. If I open the space for more people to come in, how can I be sure of not losing him?

A. There are no guarantees whether you have a monogamous or polyamorus lifestyle whether someone will stay with you or not.. The old paradigm of hierarchy can be somewhat shifted in polyamory by appreciating the variety of people available to us in our lives. Instead of "better or worse" we can use the concept of "different". Our differences make us unique. A mother with several children might enjoy different qualities in them, but she loves all of them.

If you and your husband have a good relationship and you feel a great deal of love flowing between you, you can be fairly sure that the love wonít go away if you find someone else to love with. Qualities of different lovers can add to you and your husbands relationship. One person canít possibly fill all of our needs. Different intimates bring out different qualities in us, which, when those qualities emerge, become a part of who we are. Everyone benefits from us being more of who we can be.

So, if you chose, let go of hierarchical thinking. Let your love expand to as many people as it wants to expand to. As you love more, your capacity to love grows so you end up having more love to give to your husband, and he to you.


Q. My husband, Phil, who is forever my beloved, my Soulmate, and I mostly practiced monogamy for 15 years. A few years ago, we began loving others couples and some good friends. Then, last year, I found and loved my Twin Flame, a wonderful, conscious man who moves in with us next week.

"Enjoy Flame. Share your joy with me," Phil says. Phil's done lots of emotional rescripting and says he opens his heart in friendship and love to Flame.

Phil also admits he's afraid he'll lose some of the closeness and specialness he feels with me. Overall, though, Phil expects to love me more, he says, as he loves himself more and demands less support from me. I'm afraid he's somewhat in denial and would like suggestions on how to start and nurture our triad.

A. Communicate clearly and often. Within a day after Flame's moved in, all three of you get together and share your hopes and fears, thoughts and feelings, visions and intentions.

Write a Mission Statement for the triad. Put the mission statement on the refrigerator door; read it aloud each week.

Enjoy quality time alone with Flame and with Phil. Make sure they get time alone together. Do things with both of them. Spend time alone; suggest that Flame and Phil also experience alone time.

Meet your own needs and ask Phil and Flame to meet theirs. Don't drain yourself trying to emotionally shield either of them. Just flow from your own loving center and bless them as they learn to become bigger in their love for you and each other


Q. I live with my two girlfriends, Julie and Carol.

My sexual obsessionís Julie; sheís my aesthetic ideal--tall, athletic and angelic-looking. She, like me, practices yoga. Julieís bodyís perfect; her mindís among the clearest Iíve experienced. Iíve been in love with and lovers with her for many years. However, sheís become physically aloof from me and only occasionally wants to do things together and even more occasionally, connect sexually with me. Iím grateful for any sharing she gives me, but long for more. When I press for more contact, however, she feels pressured and avoids me more. So I wait for her to let me know when she wants to hang with me and, in the meantime, enjoy myself with Carol. Carol--unlike Julie--loves to share time, activities and tantric loving with me. Sheís on the heavy side, and thatís a turn-off to me. But itís only a turn-off for about two minutes, because when we actually start talking and touching, Iím completely pleased and love pleasing her. Yet, no matter how much love I share with Carol I feel unfulfilled and long for more love from Julie. I donít think the body preference is nearly as powerful as the yearning to be close, easy and more freely sexual with Julie, to have her want me too.

I yearn to have the kind of closeness I feel with Carol with Julie too. Iím starting to bug Carol when I obsess on Julie when she (Carol)ís so available to me. Please advise me.

A. Enjoy what youíve got, donít give so much energy to what youíve not got. Enjoy Carol when sheís with you, enjoy Julie when sheís with you and enjoy yourself when youíre alone. Establish a dialogue with the voice within you that wants your lover to look a certain way. Find out why thatís important to it. Find out when that voice developed and what it really needs. Youíll probably find there are better ways to fulfill those needs now than to insufficiently appreciate the companionship, support and love Carol gives you. Stop putting so much energy into how your lovers look, and respond more to how they treat you. Without pressuring Carol, you could also create opportunities to do athletic, yogic and aerobic things with her. If you also share healthy, low-fat meals with her and her body will become its natural best.


Q. My husband, Lionel, and I are polyamorous. I love two other men; Lionel loves several women. He frequently asks me to join him and one of his lovers when they make love. Usually I decline their invitation. I tell the woman I want her to have Lionel alone, and enjoy the attention, affection, support and healing he gives so generously. The woman, often, cannot believe that I'm really OK with this. I tell her, "Think of Lionel as giving you my love too, when he loves you".

Sometimes I do join them, especially if I sense the woman needs me there to show her that I'm not upset about her loving Lionel. Usually, however, I'd rather wait and love him alone. My main concern is that the other woman feel how comfortably I share him so she can start to heal the fear and rivalry women are taught to expect when they love another woman's husband.

Do you think I should join his lovemaking with others more or is verbal encouragement enough?

A. sounds like you already have your own answer: join him when you authentically feel drawn to be; decline and bless him and the other woman who've invited you to join them when you'd rather do something else than share sexual intimacy.

You sound intuitive and communicative. Letting the women your husband loves know you genuinely bless their loving may help heal some of the Hera-Complex patriarchal conditioning leads us to expect. We fear the wife, like Zeus's mate, Hera, will harm his other lovers. So when you share your mate so lovingly, you heal Hera. When you welcome another woman verbally or by joining the lovemaking, you also model for her how to share. So you spread the love and openness. Thank you.


Q. My wife, Kath and I(both psychologists living in a large rural riverside house) enjoy a six-adult polyamorous family. For ten years before, Kath and I experienced a usually happy, mostly monogamous relationship. We also enjoyed a few outside lovers now and then. We talked about each other of these relationships as they occurred and, mostly, supported each others' affairs.

Over our years of psychotherapy training, we'd learned effective communication skills. We'd released and reprogrammed many of the limiting ideas and defensive behaviors we habitually employed. We therapeutically owned our imagos; we reparented ourselves. We felt overflowing love and wanted to share with certain dear friends. That's how I looked at it, and how I still look at it when I'm in my kingly aspect.

We studied Deborah Anapol's Love Without Limits and I attended a couple of polyamory conferences and consciously decided to enter a more loving, poly lifestyle. We made love with our favorite couples and singles. Then we moved in four of our favorite lovers (2 men, 2 women). Now they all love each other too.

Problem for me is, I have a scared, doubting, jealous, possessive voice that makes me withdraw or repel those I most love. I have everything: three women and two men to love, other lovers sometimes too, material abundance, health, delightful livelihood, natural surroundings. And a part of me keeps trying to ruin it.

Kath and the others tolerate my alienating tantrums but want me to stop them. They're committed to me but they want me to come from my Higher Self, not my constricted, reactive self. When I'm in my Higher Self, I agree entirely. But when my defensive, abrasive, evasive, destructive self comes out, I forget I have a Higher Self. What can I do?

A. Tell everyone in your group how you feel. Trust Kath and your homemates to remind you of your Higher and Empathic (Compersive) (the part that enjoys your darlings' joy) Selves. Let the frightened part of you say what it really needs and ask your housemates to gift you by meeting some of those needs. Let us know what happens.

Besides the personal family programming we received, we have as the archetypes for Western culture energies like Zeus, the King of Heaven, who had tantrums and destroyed people if things didn't go his way. And Hera, the archetypal jealous possessive wife. As pioneers on this path, we are moving through personal and cultural conditioning, and moving beyond these old archetypes. We need to create new archetypes for the collective unconscious.

HOMEWORK: Write a New Mythology. Re-write some of the Greek tales of jealousy and destruction into the new, More Loving Paradigm of how an up-to-date Zeus would handle specific challenges in his life. After all, Zeus was supposed to be a god. What happened to his Higher Self?

Questioner replies: Back in August, I wrote you about how my insecurity and defensive reactions to my inner security when Kath (my mate from before we became poly) really grooved with Adam, another of our family. Instead of enjoying my other lovers, Iíd obsess on Kathís unavailability to me and Iíd miss them. Following your advice, I see Zeus as finding his lover with wonderful people who add to his life as well

You suggested I ask for help from our house mates. I did. Carl and Carmen had Kath and I sit facing each other and take turns competing the sentence, "In relationship to you I feel ...."

While I sat neutrally, Kath completed the sentence and told me how she felt when I spoke harshly, withdrew, asked for more loving and attention than she had to give, asked for love and attention when she was unavailable, said I felt like leaving the family. She said that, in relation to me, reacting to those behaviors, she felt hatred, disgust, disappointment and longing.

I felt devastated at the distress I caused her, but now have specific behavioral improvements Iím making to improve my relations with Kath. I still donít feel welcome with her, but I hope this will change if I can consistently satisfy myself with the abundance of love available to me from others and stop bugging her for invitations to be with her. I have hope I can become the mature, loving Higher Self she and my house mates see in me. Right now Iím having a hard time. Any further suggestions?

A week after his last letter, Sean wrote again: Remember my joy when my beloved, Kath, said she'd sleep with me weekends? This Friday-through-Sunday "Sleep Together Scheme" worked great the first weekend. That week, she slept and loved with me and several of our housemates. Plenty of love for them and me. I stopped obsessing on Kath so I could appreciate my other lovers more.

The next Saturday, Kath and I made deep love most of the morning. That night, we watched a video with Adam. As I drowsed off, I told Kath to sleep that night with Adam, if sheíd like that. But when I woke, Kath and Adam hadn't left the room yet. I asked her if sheíd love me a little more before she left. She got angry and said I'd reneged on the invitation I gave her for intimate time with Adam. I was acting needy. She felt torn by conflicting demands on her, and she didn't want to be with anyone that night.

So we conclude that scheduling sleep-together days doesnít work for us.

Automatically reserving specific nights to sleep together creates a barrier to authentic loving. Authentic loving needs to be choosen, not automatic. Kath and I again connect sexually and sleep together several times a week-- when we both feel so moved. Weíre developing an easier flow between us and between our housemates, including love-ins where the whole family connects tantrically.


Help. My nameís Caroline; my fianceís Karl. Weíre troubled. Weíve been together two years.

Karl has been on his own since he was fifteen and I, 17. Heís very open sexually

and wants us to have threesomes. Me, him and another girl. He says that it's just

something different and that he doesn't love me any less. That hurts my

feelings and makes me feel like I an not enough for him.

I have had one threesome experience a year ago with him and my best friend since forth

grade. He never had sexual intercourse with her, but did touch her. I wasnít able to have an orgasm after three hours of foreplay until I was riding him and looked up to see him touching her. I was okay with the whole thing, until the next morning then it was "HOW COULD YOU TOUCH ANOTHER WOMAN! WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO TOUCH ANOTHER WOMAN BESIDES ME?" So I decided that it wasn't for me and I didn't want to experience anything like that again.

Karl recently decided that threesomes are a part of him and he can't be himself because I don't want to do them. He told me he wants to connect with me on that level, but I don't want to share him with anyone, I don't have an interest in having sex with another woman. But he has said that we can't be together if I don't accept him for who he is.

Q: My question is this. Why is it that I am okay with it when I am doing it but then I am soooo angry afterwards and how can I deal with my feelings so I don't lose my man. Thank you for ANY advice you may have for me. I don't know what to do.

A: You have many parts (we call them subpersonalities) that reflect different needs. You're probably aware of the Inner Child. Well we also have parts like the Inner Critic, Inner Athlete, Inner Artist, Inner Mother, Lover, Worker, Student, etc.

What's happening is that you have a part of you that wants to turn on and surrender and you also have a cautious side that doesn't want to get hurt. We all have moments when we feel jealous, hurt, left out, excluded.

What I find that works best in these situations is if the women connect. That would require that you spend some time with the other woman, get to know her and explore sexually. Many find it easy to expand to women/women lovemaking, so you may want to look at the part of you that's hesitant and the part of you that may find it sexy. If you could begin to feel loving and sexual with the other woman, connect with her and even share one on one intimacy, that may

solve your problem right there.

However, since you've expressed that you're not open to that avenue, you may consider having a three way with the two of you and another man.

Since he's the one most open to being in a triad, it may help for you to turn on to being in a triad first, by getting to have the experience of two men first. You may have to do this a few times in order to learn how to receive, relax and get turned on.

You may have resistance to the idea, but since you wish to maintain your relationship with a partner who's obviously not monogamous, you'll have to expand your boundaries, go outside your box Tahsha, in order to accomplish that.

One of your options is to part. You may decide that you're not really ready

to be involved in polyamory and may chose to find a partner who's monogamous.

However, since you're here and apparently want to keep this relationship,

then you may want to give it your all, open yourself fully and do it with a good




Co-create The World Polyamory Association's Southeast Conference, Return To The Tribe, a six-day experiential Polyamorous Community at Orange Springs Retreat, Central Florida. Together, we enjoy interactive workshops on kind, authentic communication, pair-bonding, romantic love, multiple-partner sexuality and choreographing the dance of poly loving. Participate in discussions and workshops on community building and maintenance, jealousy management, compersion, coming out, poly rights and polyamous childrearing challenges. Network, party, play, exchange massages, practice tantra and attend daily yoga classes.

Each day at Return to the Tribe begins, for early risers, with Sasha Lessinís 7:30 - 8:45 AM white tantra yoga and meditation class. We breakfast at 9 AM, then share experiences and dreams with the same six people (pod) each day. Then we enjoy the main presentation of the day. We eat and get a chance to shmooze, snooze or make love from 1 Ė 3 PM. The same presenter, if s/heís doing a day-long presentation, leads us, 3 - 5:30 PM through deeper experiences, then we dine. After dinner the same presenter, or another presenter or entertainer, leads a joyous, celebrative interactive evening playshop, movement experience, guided massage or tantra ritual.

We move from experience to experience together, in plenary sessions orchestrated to build community. Presenters so far include Sasha and Janet Kira Lessin, Harold Kornylak, Firetender and more.


The venue for Return to the Tribe, Orange Springs Center, is thirty-five minutes from Ocala and Gainesville and ninety minutes from Tampa, Orlando and Jacksonville. Orange Springs is 100 acres in the hills edging Ocala National Forest. The cabins are mostly doubles, separated by a shared bathroom, though some private rooms are available

PRESENTERS APPLICATION DEADLINE: Applications, at are due by February 15. For presenters, we waive WPA's part of the conference fee but can't pay you for helping; and you need to pay for your own food and room. You become part of the community and can attend the workshops and presentations of the other presenters. Best of all, you contribute to the relationship choice movement, teach people to love better, make the world love more and cherish relationship diversity.



Janet, Sasha, Mona, Virginia, Firetender, JorEl, Stu, Marie, Harmony and the gang invite all adult polys and poly friendlys on Maui November 25 to a sundown giving of thanks and potluck. Call 808 244-4103 for directions



Click and enter WPA's world of poly links, dating data, forum, personals, discussion groups.

LINKS: We post your link, you post WPA's; we all rise in Search Engine Consciousness. Submit yours to us at

FORUM: Propose and discuss subjects of poly interest

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A new study indicates that evolution of the immune system may be

directly linked to the sexual activity of a species. A comparative analysis of 41 primate species demonstrates that the most promiscuous species have naturally higher white blood cell (WBC) counts -- the first line of defense against infectious disease -- than more monogamous species. The findings will be reported in the Nov. 10 issue of the journal Science. "Our findings strongly suggest that the most sexually-active species of primates may have evolved elevated immune systems as a defense mechanism against disease," says principal investigator Charles L. Nunn, a research associate in the Department of Biology at the University of Virginia. "We looked at animal species with a range of mating behaviors and found a strong relationship between high WBC counts and high promiscuity in healthy animals. The more monogamous species have lower WBC counts."


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